Did you say Suicide? Oh Puhleeeaaasssse NOT Suicide … Not Even Depression! – Life IS Good!!!
Confession and repentance help heal a wound, but they will never erase all the scars. As they say, “time heals all wounds, but the scars will remain.” I have scars and plenty of them too!
•“Hurting-people hurt others”
I have been hurt by the carelessness of others and I also have hurt many people ***heavy sigh. As much as I try to be Ms. Understood, I am still highly misunderstood. Which is why I write; for Mee, doing the write-thing is cathartic. It takes Mee out of me. Besides, written evidence cannot be misquoted (I realize it is usually misunderstood, but my friends know better than to make assumptions about what they read, that they do!)
• I got into 2009 by accident
Mid 2008, the future (yesterday, today, tomorrow, the day after that) was so bleak that I did not ’see’ how ‘going on’ was worth my while (limits of human frailty). However, after five unsuccessful suicide attempts and several online ‘consultations’ with physicians about PAS and the like, I gave the battle up to God! He is an awesome Father! Those who turn after vain gods forsake their true loyalty!
Suicide is a SUPER dumb reaction; it is a PERMANENT solution to a TEMPORARY problem. I can only say this now because my attempts at suicide failed – thank God for His mercies and grace. Thank God for God! But at the time, I was in a place soooooo low (mentally and spiritually) I couldn’t reach up to see the bottom. It was that low. I was that gone! (Besides, it takes A LOT of boldness to commit suicide)
• So I have scars
Scars from injuries, slit wrists, accidents I deliberately involved myself in and well? …scars! And even though I am no longer in pain (emotional, mental, and spiritual) I still have those scars. They serve as a reminder of what God saved and delivered me from and how wrong and foolish I was to think I could take ‘matters’ in my own hands and direct my affairs.
I literally died in 2008 and only came back to life in 2009, which is why I threw a ‘’welcome back’’ party on my birthday in 2009. It was my first ‘outing’ since my ‘resurrection’. I saw life in a new light. Everything was beautiful – the trees were beautifully green, the clouds were blue and the sand was brown. Everything looked so beautiful, the color of LIFE!
Ever since my recovery/discovery, I have begun to see life in a new way and I celebrate life! That I do – if you have passed from death to life before, you will understand what I’m talking about. Victory is tasteless to the one who has never known defeat, as Joy is tasteless to the one who has never known sorrow. So, except you have been ‘there’, you may not comprehend what I’m trying to say.
Whilst I was in UCH, Dino came to see me on several occasions. I can never forget those meetings. He talked his heart out and told me why I was not going to die no matter how much I tried. Kabiyesi!!! I still cannot comprehend why God spared me and took him. I was the one willing to die. Dino had plans, big plans. I had none. He had a life, I had none. He had a good heart, I did not! Yet God took him. In all of this, I thank God!
Just before I discharged myself, Dino came to take me out one evening, ignoring my livid eyes and frail body, not minding my slurred and incoherent speech. Even I wouldn’t have hung out with me (or anyone that looked like me) at that time. I was all-head! • In retrospect, I wish someone had taken a picture of me at that time … it wouldn’t have crossed anyone’s mind at that time though. There were more pressing problems, LOL real e-Shoes!
Dino drove me around the hospital in a bid to show me why ‘I had hope’ – tough job! I must have made it really difficult for him, especially in the state of mind I was in, yet he spoke his mind and in his typical way and manner, simply shook his head and smiled in surrender. “Cme, you will not die, and the earlier you face this reality, the better for you”.
The smallest deed is greater than the best intention. I can never forget that guy, no matter how hard I try. I only wish he was alive to See Mee today. All cleaned up within and without – still an obvious work-in-progress though. But…without doubt, a new creation…to the glory of God!
• One dog barks at something and a hundred bark at the sound.
Several other people saw me at that time and simply reacted like the Priest and Levite did when they saw the ‘ward/patient’ of the Good Samaritan. I see where they were coming from though. Like the Priest and Levite, these people did not want to be defiled. Besides, didn’t the law require that the Priests touch nothing unclean? And by God, I was UNCLEAN in every sense of the word. Fit only for WWG, UCH
• Physically, I had one too many scars on my body
• Socially and Mentally, I was a BIG mess. MESS is actually an understatement. Ask those who saw Mee then. Lol, why didn’t anyone take pictures? *sigh*
I have this ONE regret however. After I discharged myself against doctor’s orders, I barred ALL incoming calls to my phone (for ‘privacy’). I got a text message from Dino but I was too self absorbed to send a reply. A week later, tired of shutting “Mee” in and subsequently shutting others out, I turned my phone on to receive not just text messages but also calls. It was then that I later learnt Dino frantically tried to reach me and that he had passed on.
• To say I regret my actions/inactions is an understatement. For Mee, Dino was ‘always-just-a-phone-call-away’ and when he ‘needed’ Mee I was ‘not-available’. • I have a scar in my heart! This is why I always attempt to spin a good yarn • I will never again make myself ‘unreachable’ overtly or covertly.