My mentor and friend Tyler Perry, whose alter ego is MADEA has written two fabulous screen scripts: “Why did I get Married” and “Why did I get Married Too?” Unfortunately, he is yet to address the dilemma I am currently faced with. “Why should I get married?” Don’t get Mee wrong, the flesh is (very) willing but the heart is weak… and I can explain the weakness of my heart.
1. I was borne out of wedlock – it is easy for people born into stable families to choose to get married and sometimes judge those who choose not to. BUT except you have worn the shoes I wear and not faltered on the way, due to the stones in those shoes or the holes in them…err…you have no right to gimme advice… (ouch!)
2. Growing up exposed Mee to power tussles between “the parents” and family members of my birth parents – to say I was tossed to and fro would be putting it mildly (not to mention the fact that I had to constantly change schools and addresses and err, religion *** sigh)
3. To reduce the inconsistency I was made to undergo, I was sent to and subsequently raised by another set of parents further complicating my ‘problems’ – of course, this meant adapting to a new set of rules and parenting style plus err… “new siblings” ***sigh
4. My birth-siblings rejected Mee and theirs was worse than the rejection from my ‘step’ siblings. There was beef everywhere …left, right, yep…you gorrit (thick beef)…
5. The kids of my affinal mother didn’t completely accept Mee cos I was not their true sibling…*sigh* ~ “Society, IF a child is borne out of wedlock, is it the fault of the child, the fault of the parents or the fault of the circumstances that led to the conception and ultimate birth of that child?!?” Who takes the bulk of the blame? ~ and Yes, why should it be the ‘innocent’ child?
6. After a while, I was sent to another set of parents now known as my foster parents. They consented to raise Mee and well, that put a temporary end to my misery
7. Today, my birth parents are pressurizing Mee to start a family #dilemma: – I don’t want to raise kids that’d be as troubled as I was when I was growing up. The only thing I knew and understood as a kid and subsequently as a teenager was REJECTION. I dint quite fit in anywhere. Not that I truly fit anywhere now, but “acceptance” is something I now know. Thankfully, the pain of rejection isn’t so strong anymore. Call it maturity, call it anything else. At least I now like Mee (and that, believe me is good enough for Mee)
8. When I asked “the parents” why they did all that to Mee, they simply apologized and told Mee it was not intentional (In fairness to them, they did not plan it, but who ever does?). Failure to plan is a plan to fail
9. No one goes into a marriage with a plan to leave it, or at least so I hear… I don’t know if that’s true YET but from what I’ve seen and experienced, I’m otherwise convinced. Some people are just too d***d selfish to take FULL responsibility and commit. It takes a lot of strength to commit, so I can identify with those who chicken out…but at whose expense?!?
IMHO Taking responsibility for one’s actions is the first step in maturity. Response-ability. Until you can be response-able, you should not dabble or meddle with another person’s life or emotions (easier said than done though)
10. Anyways, after all said and done….they asked my pastor to step in. I asked him the same question I have been asking almost ALL my life; “why should I get married?” not every child can withstand the pressure in/of a broken home and still turn out oh-kay. (like I did, err mybad, like Mee for instance)
With the way I have turned out it sure takes more than will, effort and determination, it takes a lot of GRACE…I turned out alrite dint I?!? Lol. Marriage is for keeps and until I am sure I am responsible and ready to stay in it for a lifetime (OMG, LIFETIME!!! ?!? ) – for my children’s sake, until I’m CERTAIN I am responsible and ready to stay in it for a lifetime, I’d PASS! Thank you plenty…
Thankfully many of those cousins, uncles and aunties plus my other siblings who maltreated Mee are now kissing arse – thank God it’s not the other way round. But I remember so well… Children NEVER forget. (Well, maltreated is not the word, let’s just say who didn’t treat Mee right … like the princess that I am/was/am/was/was/am)
As per my inquiry, my pastor refused to convince Mee because he didn’t want to be seen as cajoling since not everyone is destined to get married (oh well *sigh*). But he said something that struck and stuck; “anyone you blame for the way you are is the one you have given power to control your destiny.” GBAM!!!
In other words, if you want to get married (or do any other thing in life), go ahead and do so; don’t let the (past/present) actions or in-actions of one man or a group of people determine your (present/future) actions, reactions or in-actions.
But I’m STILL thinking, why should I get married…?!? …Why shouldn’t I?!?